Mental Health

A serious post today, because I want to talk about mental health.  As I think everyone who reads this blog knows, my dad is not well.  And so when I was back in the UK, I got a taste of what it is like to live with someone who has a mental health disorder.  And, bottom line, it's tough.  It's the patterns of unhealthy behavior that really got to me.  Some things I was prepared for - the not going out, the going to bed early, etc - but it was the smaller things - like not cleaning up after yourself - that were really frustrating.  Are these behaviors fixable?  I honestly don't know - the only thing that seems to work is when a choice is taken away (like locking the bedroom door to prevent going to bed too early).  I don't what the line between mental illness and non-mental illness is.  I don't even know if there is a line.  I wouldn't expect someone who never did anything around the house before the illness to do anything around the house after the illness.  But for other selfish behaviors, is mental illness to blame or is mental illness being used as an excuse?  And when this person can't or won't explain their rationale or reasoning, then it's all the more frustrating.  You see these occasional flashes of engagement - a game of cards, an attempt to strike up a conversation - but they are never sustained, and that's all the more discouraging.  I can't imagine my dad's quality of life is good, but it is my mum's that I feel more concern about.  I don't imagine she wanted to have to spend her retirement looking after this man-child.  It has to be so stressful and unrewarding,  But I respect her all the more for everything she does for him - and even if he doesn't show his appreciation or understand how lucky he is, I think everyone else in the family knows.  I don't say or show my love for my mum nearly enough, but it's there - and I will support her in whatever way I can, including supporting any decisions she needs to make when it comes to my dad.  Things may not be perfect, but at least they are better than they were - I hardly saw my dad at all as he was hospitalized when I was back last Easter.  But I do worry that this mental illness is genetic and that this is a preview of my future.  After all, my dad just has exaggerated versions of characteristics that I already possess - anxiety and a lack of motivation.  I've always thought I was guilty of just being lazy - but perhaps I have an underlying mental illness of my own.  But the bigger concern for me - something that deeply and profoundly scares me if this is my future - is the prospect of not being able to look after myself.  If you take away my ability to live independently - then I don't know what I have left.  Especially if I don't have anyone to look after me.